Welcome to my very first blog! I have been wanting to start this blog for a while, and yet procrastination and fear have kept me from doing so. Well, tonight has been an especially difficult night, and the only thing I can think of to help is to write it all down. So here we go!
I have the most amazing husband! He has dealt with my autoimmune/health issues so graciously for 24 years now. Always here to do what he can when I am down, and my biggest cheerleader when I am hopeful. All these years, and never a complaint. He has never turned away when I have needed help. Always there by my side offering love and support.
Well, tonight I learned just how much all of this has truly affected him. Tonight I heard his truth. The truth of how unloved my issues and new way of life has made him feel. And, I heard the truth of just how much he hurts too.
He told me that I listen to everyone but him. He is so frustrated with the path I have chosen to heal myself, and I totally get it! You see, so often it can look like nothing is working. From the outside it can look like all my hard work, all the time and money I spend on the healing process is for nothing. Yet, I know the truth because I feel it on the inside. I feel every win, even though they may be small. He said the herbs I take don’t work. Of course he feels that way, because he still sees me suffering so often. Yet, he doesn’t know or understand just how much more I suffer without them.
He told me that he is a victim of John (the man that molested me at 6 years old) as well. And he is so right. When I think of how one terrible moment in time as a child can affect so much of the rest of a life, I am sickened. I am saddened. I am scared for others. So many people in my life have been affected by John and the other’s actions. So many individuals that have been hurt through my pain. John and the others took some things away from me, and it has affected my relationships for too many years. But not for long. I am choosing to completely heal all of this, so I can be whole once again within my self and my relationship with my husband.
He also expressed concerns over how important meditation is in my life. Yet, I know that meditation is saving my life. I know that each time I go into the room to sit quietly and listen, I get answers. I get relief. I feel good again. How do I explain that? How do I help him understand what it does for me? How do I help him understand that it is not something woo woo, it really creates positive physical change in my body. How do I help someone that has no interest in meditation understand what it does for me?
You see my husband is an amazing man that is having a hard time understanding why I am changing. Why I am, in his words, “listening to everyone around me more than him”. And I have no answers for him. His thinking is not wrong. His feelings are very real, and it breaks my heart knowing that I am hurting him. He told me he loves me more than anything in this world, and I know he does. What he doesn’t understand is that I love him just as much. I love and appreciate him beyond what words can express. And, I also trust the path I am on. I trust my doctors. I trust my spiritual path. I trust myself. My soul is growing and this path is one I choose to continue, for my soul has been awakened, and I feel truly alive for the first time in my adult life!
We will get through this. We are a strong couple with a beautiful connection. Our love is deep and true. The key is for us both to get through this with integrity, honesty, and openness. We have learned how to love one another deeply, even with the many differences between us. We will learn how to navigate this new life as well.