Last week I had an appointment with Lynn Austin, a wonderful spiritual healer. Once again the appointment was incredibly healing in many ways, but one specific thing she said completely rocked my world.
I mentioned to her that since being at my daughters house over Christmas I have been having eye and lung issues. The NAET treatments were helping but I knew we had still not cleared everything yet. I asked if she could see any reason that I would be having these problems, and she told me that during the molestation at age 14, I was turned face down for part of time. She saw that I had been having a hard time breathing and that I inhaled spores from the wet grass I was laying on. She asked if I had issues with wet, humid weather, and my answer was yes, yes, yes.
After hanging up from our call, I found myself very agitated. For several hours I was extremely emotional over the things she had told me. It wasn’t until later that I realized the reason this hit me so hard was because I had never actually thought about what had happened to me prior to waking up! For 37 years I have thought about that awful moment when I woke up and saw several guys on top of me, feeling them touch me all over. I have played that scenario over and over again in my mind, but never ever thought about what happened before that moment. I suddenly had more questions than ever.
- How long was I actually unconscious for?
- What did they do to me during that time?
- Were they moving me like a rag doll?
- Did they abuse me physically as well as sexually?
- Etc. Etc. Etc.
By nightfall I was a complete mess. In the kitchen trying to focus on making dinner, I got down on my knees and prayed. Please God, help me get through this. Help me heal this. I had made so much progress, then this. THIS. How do I heal this – something I don’t even know what really is?
The answer soon became clear. I had to heal the unknown. I was never going to know what happened to me. I was never going to get those answers, and I didn’t want this to take me down. It was time to put it all completely behind me, so those boys would never, ever hurt me again.
Feeling the urge, I called Joshua. I had called him a few months ago with no response, so I decided to try again. And again, no response. An hour and half later, I thought that I may never hear from him so I decided to send him a text message. Below you will find some of my text as I believe it may be helpful for your healing process too.
…Three years ago I was very sick, my body was shutting down, and I new I was close to death if I didn’t do something drastic.
So I ventured down a wild healing road, and here is what I found out in the process:
- At age 6 I was molested by a neighbor, and shoved it all inside, until I completely forgot about it.
- At age 14 I was molested by a group of your friends. I am choosing to believe you were not involved. I have remembered it very clearly but never spoke about it because I didn’t want you to go to jail or to break up our families.
- At age 15 I was raped. My mom new about that and got me help.
- At age 15 I became allergic to everything, and suffered tremendously for 37 years.
- At age 51 I learned that the allergies have been my bodies way of protecting me, keeping me away from the world after all the abuse.
- At age 52, and after much work and many treatments, I AM HEALED!!
I want to let you know that I have done a lot of work, and I Forgive you. I may never understand how it could have happened but I don’t need to anymore.
I don’t know the adult Joshua, but the person I knew was a good man. You were kind and we were close like siblings. I don’t know if that day effected your life in any way, but if it has, I want you to know I forgive you, and the other boys.
I have learned so much about how trauma can effect a person in ways we can’t even imagine. If you have regrets, if you felt bad, if you wanted to stop it but couldn’t, it’s ok. I’m ok now.
I’m telling you all of this because I think it’s important that you know that I am truly good. Strangely enough, I am even grateful for my experiences as they have made me into the person I am today and that’s a person I’m pretty proud of.
So if you want to talk about this, I would love to. Not to hash it out. Not to re-open old wounds. Just to honor each other and how this has most likely effected you too in your life.
I’m sorry to text this all but I’ve left a few messages and haven’t heard back. If you choose not to call now at least I have said what I needed to tell you.
I truly wish you the best Joshua. And I hope that, if you were effected by that day in time when we were so young, that you are able to find forgiveness as well.
I have forgiven myself and all involved. I hope you can too.
The very next day I got a call from Joshua. We talked for over an hour, and it was extremely healing. We shared a lot of the same memories. He said he didn’t remember that happening to me. I told him that I choose to believe he didn’t participate but that I know for sure he was there, as he helped me get up and dressed. I was also able to say that I have always partly blamed myself for drinking, but now I know that at 14 years old he and his friends got me drunk. I had never drank or tried drugs before that day and I know it is in no way my fault. He never denied any of it, which I am so grateful for, and he said he was sorry.
I was very grateful that Joshua was willing to call me and I know it was very healing for both of us. I was brave for reaching out to him, and he was brave for actually calling me back. Whether he told me the complete truth doesn’t matter. He knows I know, and I said what I needed to say. As hard as the whole process was last week, I am grateful. I am now one step closer to putting this behind me forever. The next steps are doing NAET to clear it out of my body, but I have done the hardest work by forgiving what happened to me, including all the unknown pieces.
I am grateful for my bravery, and grateful for my willingness to do the hard work. It is not easy my friends, but it is possible, and on the other side of it lies pure health and wholeness, love and peace!