Writing is not my strength. I am not talking about what I write (the creative part), but instead, I am talking about the actual method of writing. I have been told for years I “should”, which I dislike that word anyway, journal. “It is so healing. It is beneficial in so many ways”. However, I actually have the worst writing – aka “doctors writing”, and my hand physically hurts when I handwrite or print. Therefore, I have cringed each time I had a thought to write. That has become one of my excuses as to why I have not been journaling.
In fact, I have been full of excuses! My hand hurts. I don’t have time. I have no idea what I will write. I will do it later. I am not that creative. Bla, bla, bla.
Well tonight I had a very upsetting conversation with my husband, and the ONLY things I could come up with were 1) to leave 2) To write. So I decided to write.
When my husband first went to bed, I sat on the couch for a while. I was stiff and could not move. I couldn’t cry, which surprised me, as I am great at crying lately. It is very healing – a great release! Within about 10 minutes I started to itch – all over my legs and arms.
This is where it gets very real and vulnerable with you. Itching is my thing. In fact, what I was told recently is that itching to me is like cutting to those that are cutters. Wow, that was hard to hear! But that is what I do. Times get tough, I scratch. Emotions get high, I scratch. Stressed out, I scratch. And often until I bleed.
The unofficial name of the autoimmune disorder is Mast Cell Activation Syndrome (MCAS) (notice I did not say MY autoimmune…, because I don’t own it – another important part of the healing process!) Loosely described, MCAS just means the mast cells in my body go haywire at random times and in my case seemingly all the time, causing me to itch in random places or all over my body. They can be triggered by physical reactions such as foods, scents, dust, pollens, heat, animals, etc, and can be emotionally triggered by things like stress, anxiety, exhaustion, etc. More recently I have learned that it can also be triggered by energy, which is a whole other blog post!
So back to my time on the couch: I started to itch like crazy, and realized I was about to completely tear myself apart, which is what I would have done prior to the last month or so, so I needed to find another way to release the stress. It is late, so going for a walk on the beach, which is my go-to destresser lately, was not going to work. I also knew I was far too anxious to be able to sit quietly and meditate, so I decided that it was time to start writing!
And I sure do wish I had started this a long time ago! Within about ten minutes of writing, the itching began to subside. I was able to get my feelings out of my body – which is the release I was needing. In fact, as you read more of my story you will learn how holding things in for so many years actually caused most of the dis-ease in my body.
So for now, I will write. I will get my story out so I can continue to release the unhealthy “stuff” I’ve been holding in for so many years, along with the current “stuff” from living in a human world. And I strongly recommend you do the same!!!
You don’t have to write a novel, or journal every day. But when you feel the need to let something out – PLEASE, I urge you, let it out in a constructive way! No matter what your vice is (like mine is itching/scratching), you most likely have one. By paying attention to your body you, too, can learn to be kinder to yourself, and use writing as a new tool for living a better, healthier life!